hi, i'm annoyed.

i think my biggest frustration recently has been other people. it’s been frustration with friends, with customers, the way other people live their own lives. why? i’m not too sure. so i’ve been praying about it.

i get annoyed with other people’s complaints, with other people expressing their pains, their struggles. i think part of it is because i’m an outward expresser. i’ve always admired people who can work through their pain internally, that isn’t me though. i also don’t like to show weakness though, so it ends up in a big spiral of frustration. 

i want people to ask how i am, then i’ll tell them. i like intentional questions and interest without obligation. typing it out, it’s sounding really selfish.

so i’ve been praying about it a lot recently. trying to ask the questions to christ, then patiently waiting for His response, not trying to formulate it myself.  

it’s been harder than expected but He has invited me to walk with him a lot recently. to spend time with Him in silence. 

i’ve been driving in quiet a lot too. i’ve been listening to sermons, allowing him to speak to me, to fill my head and my heart with his words. i’ve been working out when i feel frustrated or annoyed with aspects of my life or after a long two shift day. in these hours of pushing myself i’ve been praying. as much as i would rather be listening to my “move b!tch” playlist, I’ve been working to choose His words. it makes time go by. i can run a mile in a little more than “reckless love.” i’m learning to time myself based off of his words, not mine. 

i’m learning. he longs for time. he longs for us to understand his suffering. to be at his feet and he will relieve it. it’s amazing, it’s so unexplainable. that’s because it’s grace. 

when we learn to suffer for something bigger than us, to hold back and let him show through, that’s when we are at our best. 

next time i feel frustrated i will remember the cross, remember he didn’t ask us to feel sympathy for him. instead he prayed. 

as will i, lord. 

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