I’m a go-getter. I have a notebook on me, quite literally at all times so that I don’t miss a beat or an idea or forget something that I want to do or write about. I make voice memos while I'm driving if I hear something on K-LOVE that I like, or on a podcast I’m listening to. I have so many plans for my life. I want to own a coffee shop. I want to have two or three kids. I want to go to Italy and Spain and Australia and Iceland and Morocco. I want to climb mountains and I want to live on a beautiful plot of land and have chickens. I want to write books and share the love of Christ to all corners and anyone who wants to hear. I have pinterest board after pinterest board of these plans– DIYs, things I want to learn to do, workouts I plan to do, outfits I plan to wear, pictures I plan to take. I love planning. I love forward thinking, I love to know what comes next. I especially love to be in control.
This proves to be a blessing and a curse, all too often. I find myself very wrapped up in my anxieties about the future, about the fear of whether the decisions I am making today are the right ones, if they will lead me to where I am supposed to be.
I had a mini (massive) meltdown earlier this week. I had convinced myself that I was doing everything in my life completely wrong. I convinced myself that I had definitely picked the wrong college, that I was in the wrong major, that my priorities were completely out of whack, that I would never do any of the things I listed above because I wouldn’t have a job to afford any of it because I wouldn’t be able to get a job out of college. I wanted to swtich my major but then I decided that that would put me behind and that everything I had worked for would be for nothing, but who was I to know everything I had worked for would be what I was supposed to be doing?
I felt like I was really just not doing any of the right things. I was confused (still am) because I couldn’t tell you what was God whispering me to “go” and what was my brain telling me to “skeet.”
I have never felt like I had full control, yet no control in my life, but here I was. Was I doing what God wanted me to do? Was I hearing Him wrong?
In the midst of this multi-day meltdown, I got a hair cut. It was far away so I turned on a podcast. It was Jordan Lee Dooley (MY FAVE.) on “How to Make a Living Doing What You Love.”
Long story short, as I was driving back home through the backroads of Kettering, Ohio, I was taken back by a line in her podcast. So much so that I pulled off the side of the road into a driveway and made a voice memo in my phone of it.
It went like this:
“I don’t think any of us are powerful enough to mess up His plan. I think we think we are. We give ourselves way too much credit.”
I would be lying if I said I didn’t start crying right there, in the driveway of the cutest house I’ve ever seen.
It just sort of hit me in the face.
Here is my take on it all. As we take action, whatever action it may be– a nervous action, an apprehensive action, an excited action, a scared action, he will guide us along the way. Guaranteed. No doubt.
I guess that I knew that. I did know that. But somehow in my head I have always had control. How silly of me to think that I could possibly MESS UP the Lord’s plan for me?
I am still struggling a lot. I still have a shortness of breath when I think about making the decisions I have coming up. I get worried, I have no idea what I am doing, but He does. And now I know that.