i’ve always loved personality tests. i grew up taking the tests to tell me which barbie movie i would star in or which jonas brother i was most compatible with. i always knew which one i wanted to be though, so i would skew the results to get the result i wanted. i knew what i wanted and i worked for it.
i have this intense desire to know. to refuse to allow for confusion or fault within my thought process, to know exactly what i am supposed to do and when i am supposed to do it and be totally and completely confident in every decision that i make. and i am quickly learning that that is not how life works.
lately, amidst so many other things, i have been dealing with a breakup. The ending was on my own accord, though recently i have been struggling to know if i did the right thing. i have been torn, so intensely, between my head and my heart, between what i think i know and what i am feeling. I want someone to tell me what I was supposed to me thinking so that I can put it into words, so that I can understand why I am feeling the things I am feeling.
so when my heart and my head were on different terms, i went to what i love most, and took the one personality test i had been hesitating to fall into, the enneagram. my best friend has told me about it for so long, in fact, one of our very first conversations was about the enneagram and prayer right outside of the campus starbucks. (ily, beautiful)
i took the test. i’m a three. wing four, i think.
three is the achiever. they have a deep longing to be accepted, to rise, to work, to be validated and to be constantly performing. They fear failure, letting people down, and commitment to stillness.
when i read my description i started crying because i had never heard something that spoke into me like this did. it spoke to so many of my fears, desires, weaknesses and insecurities. i felt like something had explained the way that i had been feeling, being torn between my head and my heart. For once in my life I genuinely felt that something had defined me.
Except thats the problem. This description described how I am. It showed me that I can be a certain way, not that I am a certain thing. It put me in a category and if I let it, and I can fall back on these strengths, these weaknesses, the limitations that the test provides you with. It will tell me that I am this way, that I think this way, that if I am a type three, so I must be.
But must we?
Typically, when I write a blog post I have a plan, like so many things in my life, working towards the next step. The same goes for the posts I write. The same goes for this one. I had a game plan for this one, except it changed. As I was writing this, a song came on my shuffle. who you say I am, by Hillsong. If you haven’t listened to it, I linked it here. Take a listen, just promise you’ll come back to finish reading.
I am chosen Not forsaken I am who You say I am You are for me Not against me I am who You say I am I am who You say I am i am, who YOU say i am. I am not who some personality test says I am. I am not the barriers that I put against myself, pushing myself to fit within a category, as comforting as it is. I am not defined by things of this world, but by the son of God who reached his arms out and calls us each by name, to join an everlasting paradise with Him.
How amazing is that? That He has defined and laid out each day of our lives. He us created each of us, and He is fighting for that. He will lead you to goodness if you simply allow your heart to be held in his hands, that we allow our minds to be filled with His definition of us, not the world's.
I am working on trusting in his definition, or at least working to understand what that is. I am using what I know about how I work to work for His glory, for His goals for me, not my goals for me.